stop_this_song

truth

2009-11-20T13:27:51Z

It's a circle, and it's never ending round and round is making me nauseous,
It has it's good and bad parts, it's ups and downs.
I paint on my smiles and reveal my frowns.
Sometimes it's as if if no one can stop me, the world is comfortable under my feet.
the next minute it somehow escapes me, and my balance is weak.
I want something solid, reliable and honest.
I want someone who keeps their promise.
I want a bravery driven person, to speak the words circling his thoughts.
I want to not be let down.

we can all want.

you always said youd tell me

2009-09-17T00:25:03Z

i feel a little less talented every day.
I feel like every gift i had has escaped through my fingertips.
why am i not fighting it?
why am i just settling as if ill get through it
how did i let myself get here,
i followed the sweet trail,
it decieved me so quick.
I thought i had my life planned.
I lost my sanity, all that was right and
wrong took over where right left off.
I breathe in the poison that eats my insides
there once was a girl who lived her, i called her white
.i called her white.

self pity.

2009-09-13T01:41:46Z

i told myself i was wrong,
i told myself i was right.
i second guess myself
every time you're within my sight.
My eyes move to my feet,
as you move further from my reach.
i watch you step away
you take another step every day.

Life was once so real.
What was genuine now seems forged.
You were once so readable,
now all that makes sense has been torched.

I think about it constantly.
Im the bad guy, and i'm my own lawyer
defending myself when i know i should be punished.
you point your finger at me one more time,
and i'll point right back.
two can play at that game darling
so tell me the thoughts running through my head.

I gave in before.
that didn't open any doors.
I gave in before,
thats when you found me at the shore
all washed up and wrinkled,
you told me you meant your words.
you didn't mean those ones either.
stop blanketing me in your self pity

Blabble Blabble, STOP WRITING FOOL.

2009-09-12T02:44:15Z

i thought id take this time i'm wasting
just to lay it on the line,
it feels sweet but i fear it's sour
still i go and take a bite.
i feel like your at the bottom of the planet.
turning it again and again with all your might.
it's not just my head that you make spin
it's my entire life.

i want to say come back but that's not enough for me.
I really wanna say stay with me for eternity.
I'll never get sick of you, please don't get sick of me
cause i'm sick of myself, and i need someone else.

On the afternoons where i'm swallowed by raindrops,
i see your face and suddenly all of it just stops.
How does it feel living comfy in my head?
take my arms, they're for sale instead.

Verbally i may be a fool.
but emotionally i'm crazy about you
mentally i may be insane
but honestly thats what makes this so great.

I keep writing myself into ruts

2009-09-08T02:00:51Z

I've been writing like crazy, and i'm not just talking music. Just writing, just like this. Of course i've been doing lots of lyrics, because i feel so inspired lately, and by the littlest things. Life is really good right now. I work a lot, but i'm making good money. I just bought a car, and school started back up so i've been enjoying my senior year, along with working on school work. No slacking for me!

I also got lucky enough to write for this awesome music website called Shred News. I was on a trial for a month, and my writing really improved just from that month, so i'm really thankful for the opportunity. It's really cool, and i'm glad.

My mom is really out of it since she quit smoking, and that was six months ago. She's beginning to really worry me, because though she stopped smoking, she's replacing it with drinking, and i feel like i dont even know her anymore. I used to feel like she was my best friend, but i've never felt so distant from her. It's hard but i know she's going through a lot right now, and i should try and just support her, but it's hard sometimes. I guess it's just another thing to learn.

My dad has officially stopped making an effort to be in my life, as soon as i started trying. I took him out to a really nice lunch for fathers day, but you know, nothing. It;s alright i guess it is what it is right?

I need to get my license so i can get a gym membership. It's not that i'm so insecure, even though i could drop a nice ten pounds haha, but no i just want to keep healthy. I go to school, work, and veg around with friends, so i think it'd fit into my schedule nicely if i went to the gym a few times a week. When i get my license in a couple week,s i will get a gym membership.

I think i'm on good terms with my friends. This past year, and over the summer especially i've really separated my real friends from the ones who were temporary. It hurt at first, so bad, because i lost so many people that i trusted and that meant a lot to me,but it's just something i learned from, and i know now.

I've always been so independent and i suddenly feel like i need someone to lean on. Not necessarily a boyfriend, but just someone to be with more often. I don't know really if that even makes sense, but i'm starting to be over the happiness, and being overcome by the loneliness. I think it will be okay.

so long.

2009-07-04T19:51:24Z

Well i was so miserable toward the end of last week, but this weekend is nice, and i feel a lot better.
I, for some reason, feel so happy. I feel very young, and innocent, and back to where i was in middle school.
clueless, never had been hurt, never learned, never suffered, wild and full of energy. I let my life become too much of a schedule.
school, work, rehearsal, planned this, plan that, test, exam, party, birthday, do this, do that, and i had to just let myself be a little spontaneous. That's what i've sort of been doing. I mean, i still have to work and keep up with things but i'm also making time for the more important things TO ME, not to my schedule. I like my life like that. I feel like i've laughed more, smiled more, taken more risks, If i just stop thinking about the things that suck and stop letting them linger in my mind all day just dragging me down, then i feel ten times better. I feel like i new person, and not like such an adult. Gee, my whole life i have just been pushing my age up and up. I can't wait to drive, can't wait to graduate, can't wait to be in high school, can't wait to turn 18, get a job, and now that all those things are happening or slowly creeping up on me, it's fucking scary. I'm so old! haha I think i am still that retarded immature little girl inside, but when it comes down to it, i'm kind of mature...and THAT scares me. What happened to the wild, crazy, and rebellious me, who was learning all about friends and school and what's cool. and what's not, to the me who doesn;t care about anything besides what i am doing with my life. it feels like i was this little girl just hanging out with friends, taking life as it comes, and learning all about different things like love and friendship and heartbreak, and now it's like that's all happened to me, i've learned it, and i've fought through the hard times, and i've cried through the bad times, and i've laughed and lived through the good times, and now it's like hi i have a year left of school, and then i'm going to college, and then i'll have four years before have to like, buy a house and all that scary stuff. And i have to start paying car payments in a month, so now i get bills. I remember when the first day of school was like, introducing yourself and coloring and now it's like, we get right into it. I could never sleep on the night before the first day it was so exciting, and now i have one year left. I guess i want to grow up right, and not rush my adulthood, i know ill be ready for it when it comes but i wanna enjoy my last moments of being a reckless teenager, so i will.

is it my fault?

2009-07-01T01:42:21Z

I've never felt like this before.
I fell so fast.
Now i'm suffering from the fall.
I feel like i brought this on myself.
i set myself up to be hurt.
Everything that means to much to me, i ruin.
quickly.
I suddenly remember what it's like to be heartbroken.
and i remember why i am so strong, except for when it comes to be heartbroken.
because it hurts so unbearably bad that i just wanna lay here and die..
i know it sounds over dramatic but its so painful.
I miss my old self.
I miss so much.
I burned everything.
I killed everything
I blame it on myself
.I'm a basketcase
I can't remember how to move, breathe, live.
I always remember how to love though.
i never forget that

i'm a real big fan of yours

2009-06-18T22:03:28Z

i guess i'm not one to really believe in giving up, but i'm doing it. I just think it's a hopeless case. Maybe i'll change my mind, maybe i won't. i have a lot of options right now, so i'll wait around.

it's summertimeeee. finally, and life is so good. work is okay, i got promoted! that's a plus right?

Exams are done, i think i aced it all.

Music is good, i've been doing some little writing, but nothing too final.

nothing to deep to really say for now, just happy, is that enough?

nobody said it was easy.

2009-04-04T02:01:45Z

this is not right.
I'm alone, and i stand sourrounded by nothing but black, which technically is nothing,
I feel no ground beneath my feet, i see no ceiling above me.
It may be getting warmer but i have never felt so damn cold.
I have lost so much in such a short time.
I've lost my best friend, and it hurts so bad, cause i can't fix things, and i feel so stupid.
I feel so fake and i feel so different.Nothing's the same anymore, i am not the same anymore.
I've become this selfish person, that tries to hard, this suck up, this pathetic being.
I miss so much, i can't remember what it was i miss, i can't bring myself back to that person,
i cannot even remember what it feels like to be happy, and giddy, i dont remember who i was.
I dont know anything about myself, i dont know anything.
i fucked up somewhere along the road, and made a wrong turn.
My parents wont let go,
i cant hold on to this place.
I feel like im facing the fires of hell, with no one by my side.
I'm being forced to be independent.
People tell me the truth and though i know it, i'll deny it.
I lost everything that was important, everything that kept me going.
i cant even write music, i have such a block.
I'm heartbreaking, selfish bitch.
I use people, i use them to make myself feel better.
I lie to people, i am petrified of commitment, so i lead people on them i ruin them
Something i hate done to me, but what am i but a hypocrite?
I relate to songs, thats all i can do, that's all i can do at all.
I'm screaming and crying out for something, some change, something new and different
I hope summer will turn things around.
This life is such horrible experience. I've lost so many people that i love, and care about.
Not parted by death, but by change, and by actions and words, and stupidity.
I've lost so many friends, that i counted on, i've said some things i shouldn't
I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON.
Don't try to tell me different.
I'm a judgemental, critical shitbag. I make fun of people because they're fat or ugly. Not always aloud, beccause i'm not that terrible, im to petrified to confront someone i am intimated by. I hate people who are prettier or thinner than myself. Every look to everyone is just a look filled with envy. I'm a jealous insecure person.
I can't love. I'm immuned to the feeling, i've lost that yearning to love. I don't know why i can't find it. Maybe it's because it's not for me, and i wasn't meant to love. I don't feel "love" or whatever that pathetic word is, that everyone thinks they understand. I have never loved, though i had once thought it. We all overuse that word. We don't know shit. I won't say love until i experience what i feel it is, and what i feel it is is between the pages of books. A love that is always on your mind. Someone you cannot stand to be apart from, and someone you constantly think about. Someone, hands down you would take a bullet for, and who you are jealous of anyone else who talks to them because they are yours. Someone who's everything youve ever dreamed of and more. Someone who fits that definition of perfection in your mind, and it may not be real perfection, but to you it is, because it's their flaws that are perfect to you, that you love.
I can't feel that for anyone.
not for a long time.

what's the use of all of this?

2009-02-23T00:30:44Z

i know i don't really update this often, but i just have a lot on my mind, and i feel like i have know one to talk to really. I guess i just dont understand god's choices sometimes, why he takes people from us. I gues si dont understand what he has planned for people, or if he had the best intentions. I worry because he takes the lives of so many kind, and innocent, whole-hearted people, and then i'm still standing. I know we all do things wrong, and we do often. But why has he not taken my life, when he's taken the lives of people who don't deserve it at all. I don't think i deserve to DIE, but it just all confuses me. The whole plane crash in clarence really bothers me. Some of the stories i heard about it, it's so sad. People say "oh wow thats so sad" but they dont know. Personally, i iddnt know anyone on that plane but other people did. Those people had a best friend, a mom, a dad, a sister, a brother. THEY WERE PEOPLE. and it hurts me that there loved ones are probably hurting right now. ): i hate how this world works. I hate that we all die so often everyday, and sometimes so young. I hate that we all fucking are always at war and kill eachother everyday. We'd rather put bullets in everyones head then actually get to know eachother. We all judge to quickly. We'd rather murder eachother then help clean up the enviroment. what the fuck is wrong with us? we are all stubborn, why does it hurt peoples pride to apoligize? no one can ever admit they were wrong about something. Nobody finds the good in people, we all criticize eachother and judge eachother and call everyone ugly fat bitches and gay fagots, and judge us by what we look like rather than the people we are and the decisions we make. what has this place come to. We are all gonna kill eachother and wear ourselves down. Even high school, we all think its funny to pick on people, when we dont even know trhem. Thhey could be sweethearts, geniuses, good friends. But haha, who cares right? we dont care about their potentials,. If we dont accept them, we;ll torture them until we can watch them fall. I feel like i dont know anyone right now. i wish we could all learn to appreciate those around us and all have good conversations and learn about eachother. this was not was intended, i know theres more to life than this.

oh my darlin.

2009-01-06T04:26:32Z

what can i say? things are falling apart while others are coming together.
apart: Some of my friends are really sketchy lately. They really dont seem to giv a shit about me, at all. They care about other things and have ulerior motives and thats okay with me, but dont pe sucha fucking douche and just tell me, I think its great youve found new friends,but honestly, ive been there for you all along through so many things, both of you, and the one you always laugh at, is the one whos been the best friend to be here, and guess what, hes not even a good friend, hm. i need to set my goals higher, have bigger expectations because after all the shit i do for you, you hgave nothing to give back for me. I have saved all your asses at least a million times, and when the tables are turned and i need a shoulder, you fucking get up and leave. you are pathetic. When i express how i care and how worried i am you blow it off and basically say "welll im not changing this is just how i am" im not trying to change the person you are im trying to save you from what your future is going to be. IM saving you from the wretched person you will come, because i know and ive seen so many great people i love go down the same path you are on. But you dont care what i say youll do what you want so why the hell should i worry to care about you when you do this. please dont waste my time anylonger.

My heart is happy and hopeful again (: isnt that great to hear? a crush that makes me happy and giddy again. i feel like im 12 again but honestly it feels so good cause i can feel myself being happy and it's a great thing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND
nicole is coming up here this weekend and i am so excited because ive waited four years to finally meet her considering the fact i consider her one of my best friends, even though we've never met, i pretty much think she knows me better than most people ive known my whole life. its strange how when something is wrong, or something exciting comes up, i tell her first instead of my friends who are "there for me". i hate this town. this shady peice of crap town -_-

I read an old diary of mine when i was cleaning my room today. i used to be really happy, but i also went throgh a stage where i think i literally was going trhough depression. not to sure what was going on but im glad im happy.

I know im better than that. i deserve more that i am given. i know i have a good heart and eventually karma will run its course. i know people who care and so hah. to the people who pretend to love me, im not pretending to care for you. so fuck you.
and this isnt justy concerning my "friends" it also concerns my "father"
i dont know why my mom tries to make me talk to my dad. theres no bond, no connection. we are family, but only in a literall sense. thats it.

i wish you would just be real with me

2008-07-25T04:34:06Z

It's funny how i can reject people, when i relationship is what i want, yet everytime someone takes an interest in me, i turn them down immidiately, or lead them on and then hurt them. I don't know why i do it. I think that i like that people like me, but then i realize that i don't want to be with anyone. So what do i want? I want a relationship, but not just with anyone. I want someone who will call me and hug me and treat me right, and i know when i truly like someone because i get that feeling and i get shy and i always think "oh what will he think" etc. Well, here we go again right? I finally got that feeling again, but i dont want it with this person, but i cant help it and its there and i hate myself for it. Someone save me. Waiting it out is supposed to make it go away. Let me tell you something. Time does not heal anything. You waste your days away being hurt, Time does not heal a broken a heart, or fix someonething it does not do anything like that. You just wallow in your misery. Nothing fixes those things.i cant figure it all out. Why cant it be those simple relationships you see on tv, and around you. Oh hey i like you, oh yeah same, lets be together. it never works like that. I hate always being the one hurt, and one chasing. But then i realize im not. I hurt people, i am chased, but i dont pay attention, dont realize it. I think i dont know who i can put my trust in besides my mom, my brothers, my four best friends,and my music. Those are the things i tell everything to. I just want to look in the mirror and say, hey that girls cool. I find every flaw about myself all the time. I don't know what it is. I miss some of my old friends that used to always make me lauugh. I miss just being myself and screaming and laughing and making dirty jokes and giggling. Life is so different before you get involved with people and before you get hurt and put your trust into people who screw you over. Then its like you have this turning point in your life where someonthing or someone fucked up and you cant fix it. I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I dont want a problem free life, but i just want to see myself happy again. Now im crushing again but crushing used to be so fun. IT used to be cute and all about blushing and smiling and telling your friends and secerets and yayy. it's not like that anymore. It's just this constant fear that lingers by your side because you dont want to devote yourself, or you do and your afraid orf rejecttion. Theres a ton of things

This summer is difficult because although its been fun. Ive had great times with friends, ive met new people, ive beens inging and playing and ive been working and making money, working out and trying to enjoy things. But i miss a lot of people and it's hard. I just miss a lot of faces.

summer is finally here!

2008-06-18T04:04:50Z

things have changed a lot for me this year. At first it felt like a terrible school year. I was still hurt through half of it. And im not just talking about boys. I'm talking about my friends. I was hurt my a lot of people. Then i learned who i needed to keep close to me. I learned who my best friends really were, and who just maintained the label. I learned a lot about myself. I got over things. I just needed this year to grow as an individual. I made mistakes. I got drunk a lot of weekends and i had fun. I did stupid things but i dont have regrets because it all happens for a reason. I straightened up and i got good grades for the rest of the year. I started dieting and excercising and shedded twenty unwanted lbs. I got over my sadness and bitchyness and learned to have fun. I got a job! Not the best but its a job. I ahve slowly become more independant from my parents and more dependent on my friends. I've met some great people and become closer to come great people. My sophmore year was not as bad as it was first half. I just had to straighten out. This reflection is important because i need to tell myself the truth. I hit a dead end musically. I haven't written to much awesome stuff, but ive been perfecting the old stuff. No one has made me feel so great or so terrible that i need to write about how i feel. Im not gonna put fake emotion into a song.

Ariane thank you for being my best friend this year. One of them. We didn't really fight at besides a few little things that we got over. I'm glad i can count on you for help, or advice or anything really. This year was a fun year. Fucking music theory lmao. but seriously.

Stephanie thank you for being one of my best friends this year. You are an incredible person and friend and i am always here for you, and i know your here for me. We had some awesome times this year hanging out, and in school We've become closer than even middle school i think.

Sarah, it's weird cause i never see you but we can still remain best friends. We see eachother likeonce a month and sometimes not even, but its cool cause weve been best friends sincewe were in elementary school :D

Jake you have done a lot for me this year. Thank you so much seriously. There are times we fight or you piss me off or we get mad at eachother, or make fun of eachother but in the end its always all good. Thanks (:

fighting with the shadows in your head

2008-05-05T23:45:21Z

well gee, it's been quite a while since i've had the time to update this. let's see. where to being?
well, i am a vegan. I like it. I feel a lot better about myself. i am almost down 20 pounds and i just feeel a lot healthier. Its probably the best choice i have ever made. School is okay. ive been lazy, and missing a lott of it. Catching up is not fun ): I played a show friday night and not too many people were there but i made 40 bucks and i had a lot of funn. Well thats about all ive got for now<3

do you wanna be a superstar?

2008-04-17T00:42:57Z

well things are the best they have been in a long time. I find myself being, well, myself, rather than depressed and sad. My mom even notices it too. i dont know what it is. part of it, i know, is the weather. its so unbearably beautiful outside that i feel as if anything is attainable. i have been going jogging and working outt. ive lost almost 20 lbs in a month. im just on top of the world. My mom just got a new job, because shes been unemployed for a while, and shes been bored, not to meantion, not making any money, and this just cheers her up, and its great to see the entire household happy. I just got a new phone. Well, the only thing i can think of really on the downside, is im still losing one of my best friends. Im not sure really why. I can't blame myself because i am a 100% true friend. I guess it may just take her a while to see. People make stupid decisions sometimes, and its suckish. but anywayyyyyyyyyyyys, my hair is getting long and shiny again. I've been tanning. ive had a perfeccttttt semester in school. my average was a 94 and then a 93. a 90 anything, is perfect. I have a show coming up. Oh and im sick at the moment, so no voice right now :[

safsaf

2008-04-06T22:57:59Z

i think im losing one of my best friends.
and it hurts.
and i hope to god it isnt karma.
but it sucks.
I'm holding on to the three ive got left :[

no words to express in a title, sorry.

2008-03-23T23:01:09Z

sometimes i imagine situations being perfect.
like, "what if....."
and i think about what it would be like, and i get lost in my own little world.
and i smile. and im happy, for some small time in my life.
i can close my eyes and be anywhere i want to be.
but i can't do that anymore.
I don't want him to tell me he loves me and tell me he wants me. because i would say no, i dont want you.
What i want is to be with him, but for it to have never ended.
for him to have never left me.
to have him had been there for me from then until now, and forever.
For us to have this long, happy history
Once your hurt, you are fucked, and it sucks that life is like that.
I could never go back. i dont think i want any relationship now.
maybe not ever.
I used to be so happy. then, and before that.
and since it ended. my life has never been the same.
i know im dramatic but its the honest truth, and it makes me so miserable.
im so sick of pretending, no matter what im feeling, just smile.
Have fun, live life, love every moment of it.
fuck you, its not possible, i was in a realtionship, one of the only , and the best times of my life.
i put my heart on the line, and it was broken, of course, and i can lie about it all i fucking want.
Its always there, no matter what i say to people, it happened, and I KNOW it happened, and i cant hide it from myself.
i just miss myself. my old self. not him, me. I miss being so happy. and i cant go back to that no matter how many times dye my hair, and how many lbs i lose, or how many different ways i dress, i cant go back to that because in my mind, and emotionally, i will never be that ashley pagano again, and it sucks, so bad.
i dont want anyone. i mean, relationships are nice but i may just take things harder than others.
and i just want to be happy ol me again, like i used to be before i got hurt.
i loved it, and i cant get through it. i need like, a rehab for it or something because i cant carry on my days like this. Living in this person, acting as this person, being this person lying everyday about her life. I find the pain and negatives in everything, they stand out to me now. They never used to, but they do now,
I dont know if ill ever be me again. ive learned, ive grown, and maybe thats just part of life and im finally forced to experience it, and its sucks. growing up sucks. I miss him though, evenn after all the pain he put me through. It's not like hes a bad person and its not his fault. it just sucks so badly that that was the situation. I wasn't lucky. and i dont want anyone, not even him. I want myself back first. I have to be happy with ashley, and love the person i am, before i can bestow my love upon another soul. and that sucks. because that could be forever.
My whole body aches today. My heart, hy head, my stomach, everything. I want to throw up. I read a lot today. Took deep breaths. I cant read love stories because people are so fake. they think they love people but they dont. i didnt love him i thought. i never wouldve said "i love you" and if i did i wouldve been full of fucking shit. But then after i lost it, i realized i did. I'm strong. I have to be strong. I haven't given up yet. I'm always looking for new ways to smile, and laugh, and have fun. This year of high school really is my "sophmore slump" and its terrible. I'm not the same person i was. I've grown a lot. I've cried tears of change, and i have many tears of change to cry still. so ill keep crying and learning until i am the person i need to be. I was brought up to be a strong person, no matter what obstacle i am forced to overcome, and i will do that because if i lose that trait, i will never really find who i am, because i dont know who i am anymre. This is stupid, tis is a long entry and no one may read it, and thats fine. i just need to fucking say it. scream it somewhere where mo one can hear me except birds flying through trees and they can chirp and i can scream and cry and break downand throw things and just let it all out and kick and punch and yell and kick and punch and yell and bite and kick and cry and bleed and roll and jump and run as far as i fucking want. Say whatever i need to say and throw up every fucking organ inside of me, who knows if its good for me i fucking need to do it, like an addiction or obsession i just neeeeeeeeed it. god. Right now i just want a hug, and a familiar face to smile at me and hug me and tell me im fine, and id ont fucking have that, i reject everyone who tries because they try, and they arent the person i want it from. I want some one to hug me and hold me and kiss me and tell me im fine, and im perfect and they love me and actually feel like im wanted by someone. someone who doesnt have to deall with me, someone who has the choice, i want someone to take me in there arms and say theyll never leave me because they couldnt imagine the thought of doing it and i want it to be genuine and i want them to mean it and put everything they have and feel on it. I want them to hold me and tell me they are here for me, and not leave me, because they can if they want to, but they would make the choice to stay, and be there and help me even at my worst, and since this is the shittiest i have felt in my fucking life and in all my existence i want them now, even thougu i have no makeup and no fucking sanity i want it now, pleasee jesus.
no movie, or song, or anything can cheer me up. I cant live like this i cant i cant i cant i cant.
but i have to.
i have GOT to.
things need to get better im so tired.

stop_this_song @ 2008-03-15T17:00:00

2008-03-15T21:22:01Z

I want to get back into writing stories again.
I want to get back into riding horses again.
There's a lot of things i want back.
We had a school assembly the other day about the columbine shooting.
About a really sweet girl who was shot and about her family and all these things.
and it made me realize how quickly you could lose you life.
And if you don't say something now, it may never be said.
And if you say the wrong thing, you may not be able to take it back.
How quickly the people you love could be taken from you.
and it's a scary thought. a very scary thought.
I really want to be more kind to people. I know i can't change over night
.But i really want to.
I've been reading alot lately too.
I'm reading this autobiography about a recovering drug addict/acoholic/criminal in rehab.
It's a big mixture of sad and moving and scary.
It made me tear up. It's just sad how people think.
And what they go through.
And you feel like you know someone just by all these words they write.
Even though you have no idea what they look or sound like.
You just know.
I wish i could meet him. Doing the math he's in his late 30s now.
I just would like to tell him how much i admire him.
and im sure i'm not the only one.
There's something in my life right now i'm fixing. well theres many.
I just want to be healthy. I want to stop constantly contemplating my flaws and my wrong doings.
I want to make good impressions on people.
I want to befriend someone in need of a friend.
And i want to know that if i were to go tomorrow, that i would have left this earth impacting someone's life immensely. knowing that i wasn't a wasted existence and that i did something good.
There are so many people i just want to talk to. There are so many people i don't want to lose. There are so many places i need to see. People i love that i have yet to meet. Its sad that some people have to go, when they have so many experiences that have yet to live thorugh. I don't want to die knowing that for the last moments of my life,i was complaining and down and angry at people, including myself.
You know that big britney spears fan? the one that cried on you tube that everypone calls a big stupid faggot. Well i watched a load of his videos today on youtube, before my nap this afternoon, and i came to the conclusion that i dont think hes a faggot. in fact, he is quite happy with himself, and his sexuality. I think he's a sweetheart and i think he presents many good points. I commented a couple of his videos. One about his first love that he spilled his heart out to a camera. People don't even know this kid and they immidiately find the absolute worst in people. It's stupid and it doesn't make sense. I hate the way people bash people and leave them comments that are harsh and hurtful. If i read those i would be devistated. but he keeps posting this videos and there are some people who really agree. like me. in fact, i consider myself a fucking fan of these videos. and if he likes britney spears and he defends her, or if he is proud of the person he is, then good for him. and shame on you for bashing a person for that.

I don't want to starve myself anyone. I am eating now. Not as much, but i am eating. It's stupid. I want to be healthy and im going to lose those 45 pounds by september. Why do i get so upset being overweight when i can fix it and i just need to build up the self control for it. I'm gonna do it and i'll be real damn proud when i read this entry months later. I'm sick of looking at old pictures saying how that was such a great time, and that the now is awful. I like my life now. It could be better, but it could be worse. i enjoy it. My friends are phenominal. there are so many people lacking friends and family and all the things that keep me sane. I don't want to be ignorant or ungrateful.

I'm changing so many things in my life right now. My grades. My average was a 94. The best it has been in a while. I am trying to find the best in people. Be nice, something i learned from that seminar. Relating to people who have troubles. Thats all i want to do is talk to someone sometimes when i am really that upset. and sometimes just that helps me. A few consolence words can go a very long way. So thank you to every person who has given me advice or listened to me rant. It helps me, it helps me a lot. It's there honesty that helps me, but there suggestions to make me better, means even more to me. I have had so many "friends" in my life that act like they are my best friend, but fuck me over sometime or another. Or turn out to be not who i expected. Friends are not the friends you see in high school television shows. The ones that stab you in the back and steal your boyfriend. if thats what you call a friend you need to raise your standards. Raise your fucking bar higher, because you are nieve to think that in the long run, those people will be there for you. They'll love onto another innocent sould, and leave you in the dust. I don't want to be that friend and i dont want to have those friends. My friends truly fit the definition. and i love them more than anything. And they know that and i hope to god they do. all of them. If i was in trouble they wouldnt ditch me. Theyd help me through it. That;s what individuals need in times of need, or at least me.

I've listened to a bunch of different songs while writing this entry. but the one i'm listening to now is the one i'm gonna post unde rmusic for this entry. And it's rescued my jacks mannequin. he is another person i would just kill to meet. I must admit that even after all these epiphonies and such, i still long for love and want to find it. Someone not shallow but someone i can be my total self around. Someone that wont hurt me, intentionally anyways. Someone who will hold me and cuddle me and kiss me and love me and just know me better than i know myself. I want that someone. But maybe not now. Maybe i'll find him when im ready. Whevener it happens or whatever happens, it wont change how i feel now.

a reflection.

2008-03-13T20:41:36Z

I can't breathe, think, talk, dream.
everything that seemed so little is suddenly so big.
The significances have escaped between the webs of my fingers.
and are too far gone to grasp again.
The people i loved are suddenly nowhere to be found.
The people i would never trust, now have my everything.
A heart that was once big and warm, is shattered and cold.
The happy girl that was on top of the world.
has fallen, disoriented in space.
i don't know where i am.
how i got here.
Or how long i'll stay.
The words i want to say have clung to the roof of my mouth.
Resisting my toungue, pushing them towards the opening they dread.
Because if they were to leave it would be
to a mind they are unfamiliar with.
that i, myself am unfamiliar with.
Maybe i dont make sense.
Maybe i'm more confused everyday.
Maybe he'll never fall for me.
Maybe i'll never see things clearly.
Maybe i'll always be in denial, while everyone will be merciless with me.
So say goodbye to her.
She isn't here.
and i only i can bring her back.
and believe me im trying.
because she knew better that i do.
But it's only in my hands.
no one elses.
do i have the self control.

stop_this_song @ 2008-03-02T21:03:00

2008-03-03T02:05:35Z

Things are changing.
some things for the better.
some things for the worst.

I have been having a lot of fun.
i've accomplished a lot.
I've made routine of things i had trouble with.
I see a better future.

I have drifted from some people who mean alot to me.
I have no time at all.
I'm not as self confident as i should be.

but things even out, to make me a normal girl i guess.

stop_this_song @ 2008-02-17T18:27:00

2008-02-17T23:34:44Z

I'm in sucha happppppppppppy moooooood<3
especially these past few days/weekend.
I've gained a lot back that i lost.
A lot of people, a lot of feelings, and of couse my sanity.
It makes me really happy that i finally feel like a normal girl again.
i dont just think baout all that sucks in my life, i can finally focus on the positives.
I can finally laugh at the wanna be badass girls in my grade who act all better than me.
I've also been less bitchy lately. I can finally get back to being nice to everyone, well mostly everyone
and being a person that everyone likes, instead of acting like im out to get everyone.
Just cause i was going through a tough time in my life isnt an excuse to be a bitch ass to people
i probably hurt a lot of people and im sorry for it.
But its gonna change. I miss a lot of people, and i need to show some people that im not who they thin i am.
i also need to talk to some people, being one person actually ;]
and a couple people know what i mean, haha <3

friends and enemies come together

2008-02-15T22:15:41Z

Things are going good.
better and better actually.
School?
awesome. i dont mind it so much. Not only am i passing everything, but im not below a 90 in anything. i couldn't be more proud.
Music?
fucking awesome.
I wrote a new song. not recorded yet but still perfecting it.
I got a solo in chorus. :]
People?
Ha, not so awesome.
well, my friends are still my constant.
but then there are those names i wont meantion...
Overall?
i have a hospital date coming up next week. that scares the poop out of me.
and all and all, im perty grand,

you waited for me in the rain, in the parking lot.

2008-02-10T15:46:19Z

Well.
I know i haven't updated in a while. but my schedule is so busy its ridiculous.
I'm really happy lately. I don't know why. I've just overcome so many things, and faced all my problems.
Musically, I havent written anything too good lately. I need some awesome inspiration, but i feel like i don't have any good inspiration right now. It can't be planned, it just happens. Something significant, or maybe not. And rhyming words just surge through my mind. That doesn't happen too pften lately.

I failed earth science. so im going to summer school this summer.
but its alright. right now i have all 90s in all of my classes, and im really happy about it.
I just have to keep it up you know?

Ive been listening to nothing but jack's mannequin/somthing corporate/andrew mcmahon all week. I dont even know why. But im pretty much in love with him. hahaa.

Hm, what else is new. Well, I guess i'm really just happy with myself right now. Of course, i have some problems. but i'm not perfect and i dont expect to be.
:]

i have a story, a bitter anthem

2008-01-21T00:19:10Z

Things seem to be a lot better.
I don't really know why, but all the shit i was so upset about, i'm just over.
I'm through half of the school year, which means all my new classes start up next week, and i'm so thankful for that.
Plus, i got a 78 on my last earth science test, and that's not a normal grade for me in that class, so i was estatic.

I'd like to take some time to acknoledge my best friends :]

Bethany, Thank you for being here for me, listening to my rants, and putting up with me :]
Sarah, Thank you for driving me to the gym, lol. But also, for listening to me, and giving me advice, which in most cases is always right .
Jacob, Thank you for everything, you are my bestest friend by far, BOOP :]
Ariane, You are honestly, one of my only friends that i call with my problems. Thank you for all your advice, and for always helping me through stuff, i appreciate it more than you know.
Stephanie, I love you a whole lot, And i'm always here for you, because you're always here for me too, and i appreciate it.
Eileen, You are retarded, lol, but your still one of my bestest buds, and thanks for listening to me too hoe.
Nicole, I really wish you could come up this weekend, and fi you cant thats okay. It's amazing how we can remain such good friends, even though we never see eachother, but thanks for listening to me too, ily!
Carlene, Your IQ is mine cubed, haha, but thats okay, thank you for being one of my best friends.
Allyssa, Lol, we have great times, countless inside jokes, and we can dodge the evil pronouns that lurk our hallways hahaaa.
Alisha, We have to work out soon hoe! but regradless, you give awesome advice, and i appreciate it :]
Haley, I don't know why you are so far down my list, because you are honestly one of my best friends ever. I love you, and you help me get through so much, i have so much fun with you and your awesome, thank you :]

These People Get me Through my Day, Honestly i'd decease without them :]

as our eyes start to close, i turn to you to let you know, that i love you

2007-12-31T01:38:24Z

I wish things would stop falling apart.
It's constantly happeneing, and i cant control it.
I know i can;t ve a perfect person, and im okay with being inperfect, but why cant things be a little better for me, honestly.
I think that i am a fairly good person, sure i make mistakes, lord knows i make them everyday sometimes more dramatic than others but i make them, and i learn from them. I believe in living and learning, and BOTH of those things. I want to live my life to the fullest, do what i want, and make the choices that i want to make, and then what i do wrong, i know not to do again, it sounds so simple but unfortunatly its much more difficult than that. I cant keep making mistakes, because everything goes more and more downhill from every mistake i make. And i cant fix what ive broken, which is quite a lot :[
I desperately want love, because love is what keeps me sane, and makes me happy. it makes me more than happy. it makes me joyous, thankful, and optomistic. And i cant find that. EVERYONE seems to have found the perfect love. Everyones crazy happy. I miss last year. My life is plummeting downhill. Why do i fall in love, when all that happens to me, is pain. honestly, i cant really understand it. why god has so much against me, as to put me all through this. It's too much. Like, honestly, i never pray. in fact, im not the most religious person in the world, but my nana told me, when i told her all i was going througn, that if you ask god, and say, i cant handle this anymore, im lettiing go and putting it in your hands, he will help you. So, the other night, nieve of me, i did just that. Before i went to bed, i lay down, and folded my hands and prayed.
but i asked more than that. I sorta, "vented to god" about everything, and if there is a god, and if he can hear me, and doesnt hate me would understand my story, and help me, because i need some unhuman force help. its not something a parent, family memeber or best friend can help me with. they can talk with me, and help me through but in the end im right where i stated, Honestly, if i didnt have my friends right now, i wouldnt want to be alive. I cant even turn to my mother anymore, because i feel like John,my stepfather [incase you didnt know], has her brainwashed. Its awful. Whenever i ask her something, she looks at him for his consent, and honestly, i could give to shits to whatever he has to say to me. ive seen my mom be wed 4 times, to 4 different assholes who just hurt her, brainwash her and take advantage of her, and i thought that john was different in the beginning, but hes a male, which means, hes the same. And i shouldve known that. It was stupid of me to think differently, So i deal with it, because i have no chouce, and i help jimmy, because he is not this used to it, and all i have when they argue, is jimmy and justin. Honestly me and jimmy are strong because hes been through it before, and we always have eachother, and justin has been though it too, and he undertands it, he went throgh it alone, as i did a couple times. But honesly i love my friends because they all listen to me vent for hours. About how sad i am. and sometimes theyll say 'i have nothing to say really" which is ok, because sometimes i dont know what to say to friends in need either, its just good to know they knowm and they care, and that they listen.
And all of you, i mean all of you, who have ever helped me. My BEST friends and really my BEST friends, and nothing can change that, nothing can replace them. Sarah, beth, Ariane, Nicole, Haley, Carlene, Allyssa, Eileen, and Alisha. Yeah thats a lot, but they all are equally the best people i know. so thank you for all you do for me. I love you :]
And so maybe im not in love, but ill find someone, or maybe theyll find me, when i least expect it. Im waiting for god to answer my prayer, not to sound like a jesus freak since i only attend church services with bethany when she drags me out of bed, haha, but i want things to get better, and im counting on it, i need this, becasuse im ready to crack.